Green Ham and Bread

Bethan’s manual of guidance for dining out in polite company.

1. Whilst awaiting the meal it is considered good practise to use the crayons provided as lip balm and/or fetching nasal ornaments.


2. When food arrives (in this case a ham and cheese sandwich), begin by eating the bread with a fork. Then spit out the bread in a liberal distribution pattern due to the offensive presence of a minuscule trace of butter.


3. Next select a brightly coloured crayon from your selection of nasal ornaments and dress it in an evening gown fashioned from your sandwich ham. Be sure to accessorise the crayon with a ham crown while shouting “Elsa! Elsa!”


4. Feed chips to hammy Elsa crayon.


5. Eat ketchup. With a fork.


6. Through a complex and expressive series of violent movements, akin to a frantic interpretive dance performance, create innovative new hipster favourite: pulled ham.

7. Finally, devour the tasty morsel of hipster ham with a drizzle of green crayon and snot jus and express your approval to impress all diners present by declaring “IT HAM!”.



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