Bethan’s manual of guidance for dining out in polite company.
1. Whilst awaiting the meal it is considered good practise to use the crayons provided as lip balm and/or fetching nasal ornaments.
2. When food arrives (in this case a ham and cheese sandwich), begin by eating the bread with a fork. Then spit out the bread in a liberal distribution pattern due to the offensive presence of a minuscule trace of butter.
3. Next select a brightly coloured crayon from your selection of nasal ornaments and dress it in an evening gown fashioned from your sandwich ham. Be sure to accessorise the crayon with a ham crown while shouting “Elsa! Elsa!”
4. Feed chips to hammy Elsa crayon.
5. Eat ketchup. With a fork.
6. Through a complex and expressive series of violent movements, akin to a frantic interpretive dance performance, create innovative new hipster favourite: pulled ham.
7. Finally, devour the tasty morsel of hipster ham with a drizzle of green crayon and snot jus and express your approval to impress all diners present by declaring “IT HAM!”.