In search of my daily viewing of ‘Bondi Rescue’ this afternoon, I was slightly dismayed to find the Masterchef South Africa final showing instead. Masterchef is generally known for being a bit over-dramatic (“Cooking doesn’t get tougher than this!”) but the South African version takes the biscuit (excuse the pun). One of the judges stood in the middle of the kitchen and addressed the two contestants in his best stage voice…he boomed “Do you realise that in one hour this will all be over…” and went on and on with attendant dramatic gestures like he was delivering a Shakespearean monologue…it was a bit over the top seeing as they were just rustling up an apple tart. To me it sounded something like this:
Prologue from ‘Masterchef’
Two contestants, both alike in cookery,
In fair South Africa, where we lay our beans,
From ancient fudge break to new (ginger) root-iny,
Where duck’s blood makes cook’s hands unclean.
From forth the pork loins of these two foes
A pair of char-cross’d others take their knife;
Whose misadventured pressure test overthrows
Do with their elimination bury their judges’ strife.
The fearful passage of their pan-sear’d dove,
And the continuance of their head chef’s rage,
Which, but their scraggy end, nought could remove,
Is now the one hours’ traffic of our TV;
The which if you with patient ears attend,
What here shall miss, our repetitive commentary and dramatic music shall strive to mend.